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DemandJen Weekly Newsletter

Making Complex Sales Simpler

Here’s what you’ll get this week (and every week): ​ A cold email before/after rewrite from one of YOUR submitted cold emails A tactic to make complex sales simpler Where you’ll find me this month Rescue pup of the week

Cold Email Rewrite of the Week:

This week’s submission came with an interesting question.

Morgan’s company sells a web-based solution that helps companies manage their event tix (ex: assigning tickets, tracking usage, reselling/donating unused tix, etc.)

Here’s her Q:

I’m a big fan of cold emails that help execs with a job to be done, regardless of whether they’re a current customer or not. It’s a nice change of pace from the 100's of cold emails they receive where they’re being asked for their time.

Let’s see what Morgan wrote:

First, the subject line is long (ideal length = 1-2 words). Plus, “get ahead” is salesy language.

The body reads more like a marketing campaign than a cold email designed to elicit a reply from one reader. It’s not a bad Marketing email, but as a reader, nothing about it feels like it was sent to me uniquely.

The bullets are buzzwordy (“streamline”, “enhance ROI”).

The copy implies that the reader has purchased tickets (which we don’t yet know for sure).

Lastly, the “I’d be happy to chat” line is one I see a lot. Of course we’d be happy to chat—we’re in Sales—but we’re strangers. It’s missing the point. No one cares what makes us happy. Assume the reader is selfish (and justifiably so).

The things I worked on in the rewrite are subject line + unsure tonality + reading grade level (aim for 3rd-5th grade) + relevance + length.

To start, I’d sort my territory by companies HQ’d near a major stadium.

For this example, I’ll use companies near the United Center (home to the Chicago Bulls and Blackhawks). The goal here is to be more specific (even if I’m off - readers will often correct us when we’re specific vs. general + it gives me some fodder for personalization).

Here’s the rewrite:

Want a rewrite of one of YOUR cold emails to a target account?

​Reply to this newsletter with the account, the subject line, and your email.

I’ll pick one, anonymize it, and feature it in next week’s newsletter.

(Oh, and please consider forwarding this newsletter to others on your team. You might be set, but maybe they could use a 2nd opinion?)

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Tactic of the Week:

Forecasting a big deal to close by Sept 30th?

Ask yourself these 5 questions to ensure “happy ears” aren’t getting in the way of an accurate forecast.

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Where You’ll Find Me:

Next week, I’m heading to London for my first overseas Sales Kickoff! Pretty pumped to be there in Oct and back again in Jan for another SKO.

In the meantime, did you catch my first “1 Minute Claybook” episode this week? I’m partnering with Clay to share 1 minute Clay plays on a variety of different use cases. Check it out here.

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Rescue Pup of the Week:

Meet Gary. Yes, Gary. (I love a really human name for a dog).

He’s a 3 month old sweetie pie who loves to make people laugh with his silly antics.

Available for foster or adoption at Many Paws Global Rescue in Palatine, IL.

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What'd you think of today's newsletter? Loved it! Meh - it was okay. Not good.

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